Every strand of it was raw, organic & wonderful until I got to the last verse.
I especially adore the wavy way you arranged the lines.

the first line in the first verse is unzipped with a shivery-shrill-clanking sound, and it vacuumed my face one foot closer to the computer screen. That's the kind of stuff that ruffles my heart most.

*rereads*

Nevermind, I like the second verse better.. The ideas and the heart-spanking metaphors are perfect.
But personally, as a rhyme-person, I think it would flow better if you tweaked the last few lines in the 2nd verse to something like this ...

"a story of Light that didn't have the courage
to reflect upwards through indigo currents,
buried below thegallons of Ocean,
swathed inside
the lonely tortoise shells.

Since you have "indigo" in the second line, if you changed "beneath" to below -- then there would be a slight rhyme that unites the two lines. And it would make more sense if you placed the gallons of ocean INSide the tortoise shells, so the light wouldn't be below the gallons of ocean, which is also below the tortoise shells....

And the last verse, the idea is brilliant, but I think I just felt that such beautiful ideas and metaphors deserved a stronger ending.

The "they" you are referring to at the last line of the poem just kind of jumps out of nowhere. I think the way it just suddenly appears kind of interferes with the flow of the poem. I think you could just pick a different last line, or been a little bit more specific with who "they" is.


Overall, I really really loved the poem. thanks for directing me to it.

take my suggestions if you want...

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_{-- F.
"like two mammoths tusk-locked in ernest sport at the edge of the advancing ice age, you were my mystery and i was your mystery and in time we discovered that mystery was our home."
-l.cohen}

Thank you for taking the time to write a comment!
The second stanza was supposed to be talking about a heart beating in its cavity... did you get that out of it?

I never had any problems with the first stanza. It remained unchanged through the editing process. That didn't stand for the end of the second or the final stanza, however. I never really felt they were as good as they could be.
"They" is in reference to "mist and magic."

I will keep what you've said in mind, and start working on a third version. Thank you!

Beautiful, I like the way you've indented the verses and stuff, I'd like to do something similiar with one of my future poems one day.

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Proud to be a "Middle Eastern Blend"!

Thank you! The indentations are supposed to make the poem look like a bunch of waves, as I talk about them in the final stanza ^____________^.

I adored it.

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Hide the past!

I was kind of hoping you'd say "you did this wrong," or something. So I could make it better.


But I guess a :fav: is pretty good too. I guess.

You guess and hope too much.

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Hide the past!

I...

LOVE YOU

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Hide the past!